


There’s a certain pain

by orphan_account



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Aged Up, Depression, F/M, Guardian Marinette, Marinette has depression, Possibly Violence, She’s also suicidal, after Miracle Queen, mental health, not taking it as a light topic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-24 06:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21094556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It’s been about two years since Marinette became the guardian. Though she dropped out of school, life is still very tough on her. She could only pretend to be fine for so long until it became obvious. No one got her. No one cared. Except for Luka.If I go the direction I want, this is gonna get dramatic but won’t have a sad turnout. Just exploring emotions and psychology here.Note: I’m taking a break from writing stories like this until I come come back with a healthier mindset towards it due to the fact that these are all written in attempts to battle intrusive thoughts. I’m going to try at lighter stuff for awhile. I hope you understand!





	There’s a certain pain

Another day, another mark on the calendar. She didn’t want to do it, but she was here too. Tikki had advised it as ‘remind yourself you’re still here by marking every day you’re still alive on your calendar!’ Thing. With each day it got harder. But she still did it. Luka told her that was a win for her. 

“Alright Marinette, it’s time to get breakfast.” Tikki informed with a smile. 

Marinette replied with a shrug. It’s not like her time was limited. Her parents had taken her out of school. It had been a year and they were still looking for a suitable home school program. She had been depressed for awhile. For a lot of that time she never told her parents, and she was good at hiding it. But over time it got harder and harder for her to do so. Lila has let off a bit since Kagami and Adrien’s relationship began, but she hadn’t stopped completely. And being the new guardian with Fu gone and Hawk Moth still attacking made things so much harder as well. She couldn’t control her emotions how she thought she could. It wasn’t easy at all. She wasn’t fine. Her parents decided to take her out of school to lessen her stress and allow more time for appointments and treatment when they had received the call from Luka of their daughter’s attempted drowning in the seine.

Mullo flew up next to Tikki. “I know you have the time, but your therapist wants you to stick to a schedule! Come on. We’re having strawberry waffles!” 

“Trust me, you won’t regret it!” Barkk added. 

Marinette slowly slipped out of her bed. She passed by her mirror, again not bothering to put her hair into her once classic pigtails. “Did my parents cook that before they left?” Her parents were currently out giving lessons and samples to schools a few hours away. She wasn’t sure why they’d leave her alone. Well, she wasn’t truly alone, but they didn’t know that. 

When she arrived in the kitchen, she learned her parents had thought about leaving her alone. 

“Morning Mari.” Luka greeted. He was sitting at the table, digging a fork into a plate of waffles. Several kwamis were sprawled on the with him, each enjoying their own snack. 

The sight of her boyfriend in her home for a surprise visit brought a smile to her face. Even with how she was feeling most days, how could it not?

The two were in a tight hug in flash. All kwamis at the table smiled at each other.

Luka said she could share everything, or nothing. For a little bit, she chose nothing. But with enough of repressing her feelings, a romantic, slightly intimate photo shoot between Adrien and Kagami turned it into everything. She thought she was getting over Adrien. She really did. But she shouldn’t have let her heart trick her like that. 

But once nothing became everything, Adrien almost seemed like nothing. She still had feelings towards him, but they weren’t composed of love or attraction. They were now resentment, depression, hate. But she had directed the same feelings at herself as well. She was so dumb. Why did she let herself get attached to Adrien? Why did she let him ruin her life?

Marinette snapped back to reality, suddenly finding herself sobbing. 

Luka rubbed his girlfriend’s back gently, letting out a soothing ‘shh.’

“Hey, hey I’m here. I’m here.” Luka moved one of his hands up to play with Marinette’s hair. “Were you dissociating?”

“I-I honestly don’t know-know.”

“How about you settle down and drink some water and eat some food, Alright? The water will help with the headache you seem to have now.” 

Marinette nodded. She picked up the nearest glass of water, practically downing it in one gulp. She slowly climbed out of Luka’s lap, placing herself in the chair next to him. She glanced over at the glass that was closer to her plate, which was completely full. “D-Did I drink yours?”

Luka nodded with a small laugh. “You need it more than me. You’re adorable, Mari.” 

She gave a small giggle back. “Yeah, my head is pounding.”

The kwamis watched as the two lovebirds ate their meal. Marinette was very quiet now—but not around Luka. He was the only person nowadays she could genuinely feel comfortable and safe talking to. Marinette still had her other friends or more of, they still wanted to be her friend. But she found herself pushing them away. She didn’t want them right now. They never helped her in the right ways.

•

The two finished breakfast quickly, transferring to Marinette’s room. Marinette always kept a guitar in her room. Mostly for Luka, but sometimes she’d pick it up and attempt to learn a few chords. 

Marinette rested her head against her boyfriend’s shoulder as he played her melody on the guitar. He had kept it. It had been nearly two years since he first created it, and it was still the same. A spike of warmth fluttered through her when the kiss to the cheek from her boyfriend registered. 

It honestly angered her that it had taken so long to realize how Luka felt for her, and how she felt for him even more so. That was another thing that didn’t help her depression. But Luka did the best he could to make he feel better about it.

She was so lost in her thoughts, she hardly even paid attention to the new lack of music. Once she did, she quickly locked lips with her boyfriend. Marinette never put too much effort into thinking these days. When something made her happy, she dove into it. It didn’t matter if there were precautions she should take. It was so rare for her to feel happy or anything at all that she revealed in happiness any time it came. 

Being with Luka actually made her feel as if there was hope for her. Like she had something to live for. Finally something for her. Something that made _her_ happy. She could be a little selfish once when it came to this. She already wanted to quit being Ladybug, but then the whole box was suddenly pinned onto her. It was her responsibility, and it wasn’t one she wanted. It was pinned on her when she was fifteen almost sixteen, and now she was just a month into age eighteen. She needed none of it at all. What she needed was a relationship—the right one. And luckily for her, she had finally realized she found it.

She allowed her thoughts to turn off in exchange to focus her heart on her boyfriend, the one she was tightly grabbing onto as he caused her to grow warmer and warmer inside and out. She shouted something before her vision went white, but wasn’t sure what. 

•

The next moment her brain registered was sitting on the couch in Luka’s arms. He was now asleep, likely tired like her. Marinette’s phone chimed, prompting her to pick it up. 

_ **‘Mama’** _

** _’We’ll be back a little late tonight. Luka can sleep over but don’t do anything irresponsible honey! Love you!’_ **

** **

** _‘Alya Césaire’_ **

** _‘Hey girl! Just uh...shooting my weakly message. I know you never answer but I know you’re still fighting and continuing to be strong so uh, I know you can see it! Nino has a cat named Mouse now. I just thought you’d like that...since you like cats. Okay, bye girl.’_ **

Marinette didn’t give any form of a reaction. Just another message. Alya had been doing it for the year she’d been out of school. Her therapist suggested she respond to one of the messages at least once a month, but she still couldn’t bring herself to do it.

Trixx was now on Marinette’s shoulder. “Have you got Alya’s message yet? This is around the time she sends it I think.”

Marinette nodded. “Just looked at it.”

“...She really cares, Marinette. I-I know she’s made her mistakes...maybe she’s finally found out that Lila’s a fraud?” Trixx suggested with an offer of hope.

Marinette shook her head. “She wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. I get that.”

“You haven’t talked her in a year. You don’t know what she thinks now.”

“I think she’d try to tell me if she found out I was right all along.”

“Maybe she’s waiting to do it in person?”

“I agree with Trixx.” Luka’s voice suddenly spoke up.

Marinette flinched, then relaxed back into his arms. 

“Mari, maybe you should message her back. Just one time. You never have to do it again. But she’s making an effort. Your other friends are too, but mostly they’re giving you space. Alya has never been one to give space. That’s how you can tell she still cares. She’s done a message a week for a year. Even when her phone was away for a week in repair, she sent on through Nino’s phone. That’s dedication.” Luka softly kissed Marinette’s head. “I get it’s hard, Angel. You hold resentment. There’s so much she doesn’t understand. So much she did wrong. But just like you, she’s learning. Trust me, Alya has pissed me off a lot too. But she’s got a good heart. And trust me, I’d know.”

Normally, Marinette would be upset by this speech. But she truly trusted Luka with everything in her. He was the most selfless people she had ever met in her life. He loved her. He would never do or suggest anything bad for her. She trusted that with her whole heart.

Marinette picked her phone back up, unlocking it. She stared at the screen for awhile, typing and backspacing a bunch. She closed her eyes, pressing send.

••

Alya couldn’t be more thankful that Ella and Etta actually had friend’s houses that they stayed at occasionally now. It was nice to have to house to herself. Her phone buzzed.

“Man Nino has a lot to say does-“ She cut off as she actually read the message or more importantly—who had sent it.

** _‘Marinette’_ **

** _‘That’s a cute name for a cat. I like Mice too. Meow =^.^=‘_ **

Like a storm breaking out with no warning, Alya burst into tears. The message wasn’t anything special, sure. But it was a reply. The first one in a whole year. That was everything. What if this meant Marinette was improving? The thought excited her. She opened her phone back up, quickly typing a message.

••••

Marinette looked down at her phone as the arrival of a message caused it to glow from being off.

** _‘Alya Césaire’_ **

** **

** _‘Attachment: 1 image’_ **

** _‘This is a pic of her! She’s so super cute! Nino got her a blue collar, but she meowed and whined and chewed it off until he switched it to a pink one!’_ **

Marinette swiped open her phone, smiling at the image of the grey cat with a light pink collar around its next. 

_ **‘Very cute :)’** _

She sent the message, then set her phone down. “Th-That was a lot for today...I just want to relax now...”

Luka nodded in understanding. “Of course.”

••••


End file.
